Love the One You're With
by dawneh
Summary: New Years Eve 2008 two men who were once lovers see in the start of a new year but their thoughts are never far from each other... JPC
1. Chapter 1

If you can't be with the one you love… love the one you're with 

31st 2008 (A few seconds before midnight). The Loft, Hollyoaks, Chester.

Five, four, three, two, one… Happy New Year.

John Paul watched as the Loft burst into a volume of colours as balloons and streamers fell from the ceiling. The room seemed to explode in a chorus of cheers and "Auld Lang Syne" as the first seconds of the New Year were ushered in. John Paul stood frozen as the celebrations seemed to swirl around him in a mixture of sights and sounds that bore no relation to the man stood in the centre of them. Couples and strangers kissed like old lovers while friends and enemies drank a toast to the future.

"Happy New Year John Paul," the dark haired girl pressed her lips gently against John Paul's, waking him from his reverie, and hugged him close for a second before skipping into the massed crowd to see what other kisses she could claim before it was too late.

"Happy New Year Summer," John Paul called to her retreating back.

"You trying to make me jealous by kissing all the pretty girls?" A voice asked behind him, the breath hot and close in John Paul's ear.

"Of course," John Paul replied with a smile as he turned to look into the deep brown depths of his boyfriend's eyes.

John Paul never tired of looking into those eyes; there was a beauty in them that didn't fade no matter how often he saw them. John Paul's smile deepened as he ran his hands over the softly muscled forearms of his boyfriend and, not for the first time, John Paul knew he was a very lucky man.

If anyone had locked John Paul in a room and told him to describe his perfect man then he would have put into words the figure of the man now stood before him. A firm muscular body, toned but not overly so, a form that spoke of a deep hidden strength rather than a overt physical prowess, eyes that seemed to look deep into your heart and understand what secrets it held without ever having to be told, framed by thick luscious lashes that made them even more mysterious, a soft full mouth that would kiss as gently as the touch of a feather or as forcefully as a tiger depending on the mood and soft brown hair, that had grown over the last six months to droop casually into his eyes as he spoke. John Paul's perfect man, his dream man and the man he now shared his life with.

"Happy New Year John Paul, I love you."

The kiss was deep and tender, John Paul's lips parting to welcome in the warm tongue in an exchange that momentarily drove away the outside world making the noise and bustle of the busy club a mere background disturbance.

"Happy New Year Jason," John Paul replied as he pulled back from the kiss hoping, as he had done countless times before, that his boyfriend hadn't noticed his total avoidance of the "I love you" part of his declaration.

It wasn't the first time Jason had said those words, and it wasn't the first time that John Paul had tried everything he could not to respond. He cared about Jason and he didn't want to lie to him, not like that, so he couldn't tell the man that he loved him back because it wasn't true. As much as John Paul hated to admit it his heart still belonged to another brown-eyed man who had stolen it away and never brought it back. So every time Jason said those three simple words John Paul would chose not to hear them, or he would thank Jason for saying them, or he would kiss the man deeply, or even lead him into the bedroom. Anything rather than actually reply, anything than repeat the words that would only ever be true when he spoke them to Craig.

Slipping his arm around John Paul's waist Jason seemed oblivious to John Paul's lack of response and instead began to point out the drunken antics of several of their university friends who had obviously drunk too much of the New Year punch.

December 31st 2008 (A few seconds before midnight). O'Neill's, Dublin, Ireland.

Five, four, three, two, one… Happy New Year.

Craig sighed as the club erupted into a tuneless chorus of "Auld Lang Syne" and the revellers began the usual round of drunken singing and varying attempts to snog anyone who might pass by. Craig had worked the club long enough to know the routine and he gladly stepped back against the optics fully aware that his services wouldn't be required again for the next few minutes.

"Happy New Year Craig," Caroline said brightly as she kissed his cheek. Caroline had started working at O'Neill's only a few weeks after Craig and like Craig was experiencing her second New Year's Eve in Dublin. Despite having worked with the young blonde woman for over a year Craig knew very little about her, but that was more due to his lack of interest than any attempts at secrecy on her part.

"At least smile," Caroline goaded, "You'll put people off their beer looking like that."

Craig pasted a fake smile on his face until Caroline disappeared into the throng of merry party goers at which point the smile faded and the usual look of empty loss reappeared. Craig wasn't in the least bit concerned about putting anyone off their beer, he knew this crowd and it would take more than a scowl from the barman to upset them, short changing them maybe, but as long as the beer kept flowing then Craig could smile or cry and they really wouldn't care.

Craig had happily volunteered to work New Years Eve, just as he had Christmas Eve and would for any other celebration that might come along. It wasn't so much for the extra money, although that would always come in handy, but Craig knew that as long as he had the salvation of working behind the bar then no one would try and force him into having fun on the other side of one.

Craig watched as the whole world seemed to party without him, isolated in a small bubble that would keep everyone at a distance. He couldn't risk letting anyone get too close, Craig had made that mistake once before and he was still paying the price, he was still hurting from the loss that was over twelve months old and he was determined never to let anyone touch his life like that again.

Looking into the crowd Craig realised he was doing it again. Despite the fact that he was in a different city, a whole different country Craig would still scour the customers for the merest hint of bright blue eyes in the vainest of hopes that John Paul would walk unexpectedly through the doors. But of course he never did, he never would, what they had shared had been wonderful and fleeting and all that Craig had to cling on to were the memories and the dreams of what could have been.

Craig sighed as his eyes flickered to the old clock above the door. It was still only 12.15, why had he agreed to stay back after closing and help clear up? At the time the promise of extra cash and a little less time alone to brood had seemed like a good idea but now Craig felt exhausted and he wanted nothing more that to escape from the enforced hilarity that seemed to be buzzing all around him.

A customer tapping his empty glass impatiently on the bar brought Craig back to the present moment as for a while he was able to lose himself in the busy job of serving many thirsty patrons at the same time.

---

John Paul curled his legs in front of him as he wrapped his arms around them and rested his chin on his knees. The lamp in the corner of the room cast a warm orange glow over his surroundings but John Paul felt anything but warm. He felt the burn of the emptiness that he always did at moments like these and, as usual, he rocked quietly to himself on the sofa as Jason slept soundly in the other room.

They had left the Loft some time before 1am and sauntered casually back to Jason's flat together. The walk had been comfortable and John Paul had taken pleasure in his boyfriend's company as they strolled hand in hand through the crisp new January morning.

After closing the front door Jason had pulled John Paul close to him, staring deeply into the bright blue eyes that he adored he had once again declared his love.

John Paul's immediate reaction had been to cover Jason's mouth with his own; to kiss him deeply while instantly preventing any need for a verbal response. While he wasn't exactly lying to Jason John Paul still felt the guilt at allowing the man to believe they shared more than they really did.

It hadn't taken long for the kiss to lead to more and in the room where Jason now slept they had made love. Or at least Jason had made love. Not only did the man have a stunning body but he also knew exactly what to do with it and he had expertly given John Paul the pleasure that his physical being craved. Jason had made love to him. John Paul had simply had sex.

No matter how much he hated himself for doing it as Jason held him and kissed him John Paul had closed his eyes and pictured the man he really wanted to be sharing his body with. He had touched Jason and wished he was Craig, kissed Jason and imagined it was Craig, slept with Jason and pretended it was Craig. The longer his relationship with Jason lasted the stronger the memories of Craig became as if the love he had been trying to forget was refusing to be dismissed. As if the man he really wanted was never going to let him go.

---

Casting his eyes around the bar Craig was pleased to see the place looking spotless. It was 3am and his exhaustion had taken on a whole new meaning but part of him felt comfort in the knowledge that his physical state should at least guarantee him a decent nights sleep without the haunting memories that so often plagued his dreams.

Without thinking about it Craig pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through the address book. Craig's finger paused as it landed on John Paul's name. Despite never having used the number since the day that John Paul had walked away from him Craig hadn't been able to delete it. He didn't even know if John Paul had kept that number but somehow it was a tenuous link to the past. The connection was still there if he needed it, if he was ever brave enough to use it.

---

John Paul closed his eyes and tried to encourage the need for sleep to come to him. It was gone 3am and yet he still felt as awake as he had done hours ago. Sitting in the semi-dark of Jason's flat John Paul couldn't stop his thoughts returning to the summer of 2007 when, for the briefest time, John Paul had been the happiest he had ever been in his life. He had known love and it had been wonderful. Then he had known loss and he had thought he would never recover. Now John Paul knew existence and it was all he had to cling to. Getting through every day and grabbing what small pleasures he could from life, when he could.

That was how he had first met Jason. A drunken one-night stand that had turned into two, then three, then a month and without realising it John Paul had found himself in the kind of relationship he had always wanted. The only problem being that it wasn't with the right man.

John Paul jumped as his mobile vibrated on the cushion beside him. He grabbed it quickly and prayed that its sound hadn't woken Jason. Feeling a mild irritation that someone should text him at such an hour John Paul prepared to curse one of his sisters for a drunken early morning greeting.

The name on the display did not belong to one of his sisters.

The name on the display hadn't been shown there for over a year.

The name on the display was Craig.

John Paul's hand shook as he accessed the message and tears tumbled unbidden down his face at the three words he read. The pain and loss he managed to keep locked away most of the time flooded from him as he read a greeting from the only man he had ever loved. The only love he had ever lost.

From a million miles and a lifetime away Craig had reached out to him with three words that broke his heart.

The message on John Paul's mobile blurred away as his vision became clouded with his tears but he would never forget what it said.

In a moment of madness Craig Dean had keyed in a text and hit send before he could change his mind.

In a moment of sadness John Paul McQueen had received the text that meant more to him than any other message ever would.

"Happy new year."

---

"John Paul is everything all right?" Jason asked as he shuffled into the room rubbing his sleepy eyes.

Quickly closing the text message John Paul let his phone fall casually to the side.

"Yeah, fine," he mumbled.

"Did I hear your phone go off?"

"Yeah… it was Jacqui…"

"At this hour?"

"Well you know my sisters when they've had a few… no concept of time!" John Paul winced inwardly at how easily the lies tumbled from his lips. How easily the lies had always come when it was in relation to Craig.

"Have you been crying?" Jason crouched before his boyfriend noticing the tears that streaked the young man's cheeks.

In his discomfort and fear of discovery John Paul has forgotten the tears that had flowed so freely only moments early and brushed them angrily from his face.

"Really, it's nothing," he lied. Another lie. Another lie because of Craig.

Jason gently stroked the dampness of John Paul's cheek. "Come on, you're upset… tell me what's wrong… please John Paul it worries me to see you like this."

The deep look of concern in Jason's eyes made John Paul want to scream. He didn't deserve Jason's sympathy or concern; in fact if he were honest John Paul knew that he didn't deserve Jason. How could he tell that lovely man the reason behind his tears? How could he tell his boyfriend that he was sat mourning a lost love and that an unexpected text from that love had thrown his head and his heart into total turmoil. The answer was obvious, he couldn't and so, as much as he hated doing it, John Paul heard more lies falling from his mouth.

"Really," he said with fake reassurance, "It's nothing… just the whole end of a year thing… I guess I get the blues when I look back on all the things I didn't get to do… or say…" Like telling Craig Dean how much I miss him and how much I love him.

Jason smiled affectionately into John Paul's tear filled eyes. "I never realised you were such a softee," he said as he touched his lips to John Paul's forehead, "Why don't you come back to bed… maybe I can find a way to cheer you up."

---

Craig took the walk back to his flat slowly, his mobile phone clutched tightly in his hand as he hoped with every step that the man he had reached out to would send a reply.

As he slid his key into the front door Craig felt deflated. He tried to tell himself that maybe John Paul had changed his number, or maybe his phone was switched off, but Craig couldn't shake the feeling that he knew the real truth. John Paul McQueen had moved on and a New Year's greeting from Craig no longer held any meaning to him.

Looking around his small flat Craig sighed. No matter what time of day, what time of year, the flat always felt cold and dark, nothing ever seemed to take the chill away and nothing ever seemed to brighten its dark corners.

Collapsing onto his threadbare sofa Craig's mind wandered back to the day he had moved in to the place that was to be his home for the three years he studied at Trinity. It was supposed to be the home that he shared with John Paul but that plan was not meant to be. It still amazed how things could have changed so much in the space of a day, no, in the space of a few hours.

When Craig Dean left Chester it had been with a head full of dreams and a heart full of love. When he reached Dublin all that he had left was a head full of broken memories and a heart full of pain. Craig had replayed the moment that John Paul had walked away from him at the airport a hundred times and each time seemed to be more painful than the last. The final instant as John Paul turned to look back one last time, his eyes full of disappointment and pain and then he was gone.

With every replay Craig wondered if things could have been different if he had had the courage to be the man John Paul wanted him to be. But he didn't have that courage. Craig Dean wasn't the man John Paul needed, maybe he never had been and now it seemed that he never would be.

---

Jason's hand stroked softly over John Paul's bare chest as he lay in the warmth of the bed that Jason had occupied alone whilst John Paul had sat in the other room holding on to the memories of Craig.

His touch was gentle and caring and John Paul fought the urge to slap the hand away. He wasn't sure how much longer he could actually go on living this lie, not if Craig wanted… what? What did he think Craig wanted? For all John Paul knew Craig could have sent a broadcast greeting to everyone in his phonebook, not even realising that John Paul's number was still there. For all John Paul knew Craig could have been drunk and feeling a moment of nostalgia. For all John Paul knew Craig could still love him.

Jason's lips seemed to burn into John Paul's skin until the man could stand their touch no longer.

"Leave it will yer," John Paul complained as he pushed Jason from him.

"What? I was just trying to make you feel better…"

"Well you aren't so just lay off." John Paul knew he was being unfair the second the words harshly left his mouth. The hurt glowed in Jason's soft brown eyes in the half-light of the room as John Paul turned his back on his boyfriend and pulled the duvet up to his chin.

"I'm sorry," Jason whispered in a voice on the edge of tears, "I didn't mean to upset you I just wanted to…"

The guilt crashed over John Paul and he felt the kind of shame he hadn't known in a long time. Turning over slowly in the bed he brushed his fingers lightly over Jason's cheek.

"No, I'm sorry," he said in a remorseful tone, "I think I'm just tired and cranky, I didn't mean to take it out on you. Why don't we get some sleep eh?"

Jason smiled as he moved into John Paul's arms and rested his head against the man's strong chest.

"Goodnight John Paul," he said as he closed his eyes, "Sweet dreams."

"You too," John Paul replied kissing the top of Jason's hair.

John Paul listened as Jason's breathing grew steady and deep in a restful slumber and lay quietly in the darkness waiting for the sleep that still eluded him.

Closing his eyes John Paul recalled the last time he had ever seen Craig Dean. He could picture the man's face perfectly, watching as he walked away, a look of hurt and disbelief in his beautiful brown eyes. John Paul couldn't help but wonder if things might have been different if he'd had the courage to go with Craig. If he'd believed that Craig loved him enough to make it work but Craig hadn't even loved him enough to stop him leaving. Maybe Craig had never loved him but somehow John Paul couldn't accept that theory. Craig Dean loved him. If everything else in the universe proved to be lies John Paul had to cling onto that one nugget of truth.

"Happy New Year Craig," John Paul breathed into the silence of the room.

----

Craig winced as the morning light pierced his closed eyelids and assaulted his brain. Forcing one eye open a fraction he realised that once again he had fallen asleep on the small cramped sofa rather than making it to his cold bed. The empty lager cans and half drunk bottle of vodka that were strewn on the floor beside him told of an unconsciousness that had been achieved in that room rather than any restful sleep.

Rubbing a hand over his face Craig wondered if he had the energy to pull the curtains closed and return to the blissful void that the bright light had dragged him from. Lifting himself upright Craig gasped as the room lurched violently around him and he had to pause until the strong rush of nausea passed and he could get to his unsteady feet.

Hardly a drop of alcohol had passed his lips during the evenings shift at the pub, despite the numerous "one for yourself" offers and he had returned home in the early hours stone cold sober. It was during those early hours, alone in his flat, that Craig had begun drinking. Every passing moment that his phone remained silent pushed another can of lager and another vodka chaser down his throat until the oblivion claimed him and the pain, disappointment and loneliness were lost to the darkness.

But as always the darkness didn't last and the morning's light reminded Craig why he had started drinking in the first place and what he was trying, unsuccessfully, to forget. Glancing at the clock Craig realised he had probably managed less than four hours sleep but now that he was upright the need seemed to desert him and he looked around his empty flat with despair.

He wasn't sure how his life had come to this. In the summer of 2007 he had everything he ever dreamed of and a wonderful future to look forward to. On 1st January 2009 he was alone and a future seemed something for other people.

Of course Frankie had asked, or rather begged, her son to come home again this Christmas, just like she had the year before. But Craig had once again lied his way out of the visit by claiming parties and friends and too many social promises to be kept. Dublin, it seemed, couldn't spare her son and Frankie, although disappointed not to see him, was relieved that Craig had built a new life for himself and put all that "unpleasantness" behind him. A bitter laugh fell from Craig's lips, if only Frankie knew the truth. But then no one knew the truth about Craig Dean any more because that was the way he wanted it.

The old Craig had been full of hopes and dreams. The Craig that arrived in Dublin had given up on dreams since the most important one he ever had abandoned him. He realised that it was better not to want anything from life, that way he could never be so disappointed again.

Rubbing a hand over his weary face Craig took a deep breath. It was New Years Day. The start of a whole new year and Craig decided it was time to make that start. It was time to move forward and stop looking back. It was time to let go of what could never be and get through the rest of university as best he could.

Pulling his phone from the back pocket of his jeans Craig scrolled through its list of names before stopping on "John Paul" and then he did the one thing he hadn't been able to do since the day he left Chester. Craig hit delete. He sighed as the name that he had stared at for countless empty nights was permanently removed from his phone. At least now he wouldn't be tempted to try any make contact again. At least now he wouldn't have to experience the bitter sting of rejection again.

Laying his phone on the table Craig remembered one more link to the past that had to go. Fishing his wallet from the pocket of the jacket that hung over the sofa's back Craig felt the familiar pang of longing as he flipped open the leather covering to see two smiling faces looking back at him.

When Craig had packed the photos of him and John Paul it had been with a view to decorate the flat, their flat, with them. But after arriving in Dublin on his own the pictures had all been torn to shreds and thrown away, all but one. One single photograph had survived the tearful massacre and had found its way into Craig's wallet where it lived as a constant reminder of everything that he had lost. Running his thumb over the tuxedo clad duo Craig's vision blurred as tears filled his eyes. Slipping the picture from its protective casing Craig said a final goodbye to his past as he took a last look at the face of the man he couldn't stop loving, no matter how hard he tried, and crumpled the picture into a ball before tossing it into the waste paper basket by his feet.


	2. Chapter 2

"Morning gorgeous." The voice was soft and low as it breathed into John Paul's ear and the hand on his thigh was warm and gentle. John Paul smiled as Jason's mouth pressed into the back of his neck, nuzzling into his skin as he slipped an arm around John Paul's waist.

"Morning yourself," John Paul replied as he turned over in the bed to face his boyfriend.

Jason's rich brown eyes sparkled as John Paul looked at them and his mouth was turned into a contented smile. Being with Jason should have been perfect. It should have been. Everything about the man was what John Paul had always believed he wanted, always thought that he needed. Holding Jason's hand in public made him feel proud and being kissed in the middle of the street made him feel alive. There was no hiding, there was no shame but, as hard as he might try, for John Paul at least, there was no love. That wasn't to say he didn't care for Jason. Of course he did, he couldn't have spent the last few months with him if there had been no feeling there at all. But it wasn't the all-consuming love that John Paul wanted, that he craved, that he had once had.

With Jason he felt warm and he felt safe and even, at times, he felt content. He never felt out of his depth, never felt afraid and he never felt that he would die if he didn't get to hold the man again. In short he never felt everything that he had felt with Craig. He never felt everything that he had run away from.

"You OK?" Jason asked kindly as he brushed his fingertips over John Paul's beautiful face. There was a sadness in those brilliant blue eyes that Jason had seen before, too many times to remember, caused by a pain that John Paul was never willing to discuss.

"Of course," John Paul replied as he kissed Jason gently.

"You've got over what was upsetting you last night?"

John Paul flinched and then tried to mask the action by feigning a cough. The memory of seeing Craig's name on his phone still burned brightly and the simple greeting made him feel more love than anything the man in his arms could ever rouse.

"It was nothing… I said…" John Paul averted his eyes from Jason's deep gaze as a hit of guilt assaulted him.

"Yeah you said…" Jason agreed with a smile.

Everyday Jason could feel John Paul slipping a little further from him and he knew there was nothing he could do to prevent it. Everyday he waited for John Paul to tell him it was over and every night as John Paul lay in his arms Jason felt a relief that the day hadn't come yet.

He knew John Paul didn't love him, wasn't in love with him. Jason wasn't stupid, far from it, and it was hard to ignore the practised ease with which John Paul would redirect the conversation whenever Jason declared his feelings.

Quite simply Jason had fallen head over heels in love with John Paul and he knew that eventually he was going to get hurt. He didn't know when and he didn't really know why but one day the thing that kept John Paul's heart under guard would come back to claim him and Jason would have no choice but to give him up.

"Who's Craig?"

The question took John Paul completely by surprise and he felt his face flush as he stammered his reply.

"Cr..Craig… why? What… what made you ask that?"

"You said his name in your sleep." Jason didn't mention that John Paul often said that name, sometimes with happiness, sometimes with pain and once with tears running down his sleeping face.

"He's… just… just a friend… he moved to Dublin… I don't see him anymore." The lies stung John Paul's mouth and for a moment he considered telling Jason everything. But he didn't. He couldn't. He couldn't find the words; he could never find the words.

"That's a shame, you must miss him." Jason's tone was level and calm but inside turmoil raged and he wished, just for once, that John Paul could be honest with him.

"Yeah I guess… Look we should get up… I need to get home… mum's gonna go off on one if I don't wish her a happy new year!"

Jason watched as John Paul climbed from the bed. His soft pale skin seemed to glow in the late morning light and his taught lightly muscled frame flexed and tensed as he collected his clothes from the bedroom floor.

Jason sighed as John Paul left the room and he felt the man he loved take another step further away from him.

---

As he sat on the cold stone bench beside the fountain John Paul felt like the biggest louse in history. Jason was a gentle, loving and kind man who deserved better. He deserved more, far more that John Paul could give him and yet something always prevented John Paul from ending things. Was it the fear of hurting Jason, or the fear of being alone? In his more honest moments John Paul knew it was the latter.

Slipping his phone from his pocket John Paul keyed in a text that he had wanted to send since the early hours of the morning and yet, as his fingers passed over the buttons he suddenly had no idea what he wanted to say.

"Happy new year. I love you." John Paul read the words to himself and shook his head. It was too much; he still wasn't sure what Craig's message had really meant. Delete.

"Happy new year. I miss you." That was no better. He couldn't take the risk; he couldn't expose his heart only to have it destroyed by rejection. Delete.

"Happy new year. JP x"

Send.

---

John Paul sat on the cold stone bench for half an hour. For thirty minutes his fingers were wrapped tightly around his phone, so tightly that his knuckles were whitened under the pressure. With his mobile pressed against his lips John Paul could taste the cold plastic as he waited for the vibrations that would announce a reply.

For half an hour John Paul waited.

For half an hour he hoped.

After half an hour he gave up.

"Idiot," he cursed himself. Taking a deep breath John Paul got to his feet. His legs felt stiff from the cold and he stretched momentarily to encourage the blood back into his extremities.

The New Years streets of the village were deserted as John Paul looked around him. So many familiar places, so many things to remind him of Craig, but that seemed all that John Paul was destined to have now, memories.

Shaking his head sadly John Paul slipped his phone into his jacket pocket. For a while he had dared to dream that Craig's message had been sent out of a desire to re-establish contact but now it seemed that John Paul's initial fears had been true. It was more likely that the text had been sent in a drunken stupor or a broadcast message that included his number by accident. John Paul was just glad he hadn't said more in his own message, hadn't put his heart on the line only to get it shot down.

He had to face the truth. What he had once share with Craig was over, there was no getting back feelings that had died and John Paul had to learn to move on, much as he suspected Craig had done.

Closing his eyes John Paul let the sudden grief of renewed loss wash over him. For a moment he embraced the pain that tore at his chest, absorbing it deeply into himself, making it a part of him much as the initial pain and loss had become part of who he was. The day looked brighter when John Paul opened his eyes and he knew there was someone he owed an apology to.

---

Craig's fingertips rested on the threadbare carpet. An empty vodka bottle rested close by where it had fallen and the small gathering of empty lager cans had multiplied as more and more had been dropped to the ground once drained of their comforting liquid.

A small line of drool trailed from Craig's lips, pooling on the cushion under his head as the deep rumble of a drunken snore growled in his throat.

After throwing the photograph from his wallet into the bin Craig had retrieved the half drunk vodka from the floor and proceeded to consume the remainder of the fiery liquid in an attempt to drown the ache that raged in his chest. When the bottle had been drained Craig had abandoned it to the floor from where it came and raided his fridge for the last of the lager cans, which were soon emptied and strewn around him.

Finally the alcohol created the anaesthetising effect that Craig had been craving and he rested his weary body down on the sofa as the first tendrils of unconsciousness pulled him into oblivion. As the last flecks of awareness fled from Craig's mind he felt the warmth of sparkling blue eyes looking at him and he wrapped himself into that gaze as the sleep took over.

---

"Thought you'd gone home," Jason said as he opened the door.

"I came back," John Paul replied with a smile, "Can I come in?"

"What… oh yeah, course…"

When John Paul had left his flat an hour earlier Jason had the sinking feeling that he wouldn't ever be coming back. There had been a look in John Paul's eyes that felt like goodbye. And yet here he was, his smile as bright as any Jason could remember and his hand stroking warmly and affectionately over Jason's arm.

"I'm sorry," John Paul said softly.

"What for?"

"I know I've been a moody bastard recently… today especially… but it's nothing you've done… I want you to know that…"

"So what is it then?"

"It doesn't matter," John Paul squeezed Jason's shoulders as he stepped closer, "It was something and nothing… the past… maybe I can make it up to you though."

"And how d'you plan on doing that?" Jason's chest rose heavily as John Paul's hands moved slowly up his arms, the brightness of John Paul's blue eyes burning into him.

"Well," John Paul began pressing a light kiss to Jason's mouth, "I could tell you or…" Holding Jason's shoulders firmly John Paul walked the man backwards through the bedroom door, "or I could just show you!"

Jason accepted John Paul's hot kiss with hunger and, for a while, he managed to forget the constant fear of losing the beautiful blond haired man in his arms.

---

Craig mumbled incoherently to himself as a low beeping noise tried to lure him from his sleep. In his dreams unrecognisable shapes and images seemed to swirl around him. He struggled against unseen hands that pulled at him, wanting him to go this way and that, confusing him until he tried to scream at them to stop but no sound rang out from his throat as the hands began to tear through his clothes and rip at his flesh.

"I don't know… leave me alone…" Craig begged the silent room as he buried his face deeper into the sofa's cushion but the hands continued to pull at him as tears soaked his face.

The buzzing seemed to echo deep into Craig's muddled brain and he hunched his shoulders as he curled further into a ball to block out the irritating noise and desperately searched for the peace that seemed to be eluding him.

As Craig squirmed restlessly on his sofa his mobile phone beeped a regular alert that a text message was received and waiting to be read. Just as soon as he woke up.

---

John Paul pushed Jason back onto the bed with a single shove and the naked man's body bounced gently against the mattress as he fell.

John Paul's own clothing was strewn in a path leading from the hallway, where his jacket had been thrown as he stepped into the bedroom. Shirt and trousers had quickly congregated in a pile besides the closed door and it was only moments before had managed to strip both himself and his gorgeous boyfriend completely bare.

"God you look hot," John Paul said admiringly as he took in the form of the man lying prone across the bed. Every inch of his body was toned and firm, his skin softly tanned and his cock, which lay invitingly against his taught belly, was thick and hard in a state of arousal caused by John Paul's touch and John Paul's kiss. "I could look at you all day…"

"Well you could," Jason replied with a laugh, "But I'm sure we can think of better things to do to pass the time!"

Jason reached out his hands to pull John Paul to him but the blonde man hesitated for a moment, drinking in the electrifying sight before him. This was what John Paul had always wanted. A man who loved him, wanted him, desired him and was not afraid to tell the world. A gorgeous, sexy man that would be there for him for as long as he needed, forever if that was what he wanted.

With an inward sigh John Paul knew it was time to lay the ghosts of Craig to rest. What had been was over and it was time to let go. He had to look to the future, to his future, to his own happiness, and all of those things were wrapped up in the figure waiting for him on the bed with love in his deep brown eyes.

---

Craig's hand smacked against the empty vodka bottle as he turned in his sleep, making him wince with the sudden pain and half open his eyes to search for the source of his attack.

Finding no predators ready to devour him Craig's heavy eyelids drooped closed once again and the drunken sleep pulled him back in.

A low beeping sounded in the room.

"I'll get up soon mum," Craig slurred at the faceless shapes of his dreams.

---

Jason curled his fingers into John Paul's hair and arched his back as the man's mouth moved softly over his erection. His hot tongue teased at the quivering flesh until Jason's pleading moans finally caused John Paul to relent and, parting his lips slowly, he eased the head of Jason's cock inside.

Jason's gasped as of his cock was bathed in the heat of John Paul's mouth, slipping in deeper as John Paul sucked against it until he was completely consumed.

"Oh god that feels good," Jason panted as he bucked his hips, driving his cock deeper into John Paul's throat and causing a momentary gagging reflex.

John Paul ran his hands over Jason's thighs as he sucked hard against the throbbing that filled his mouth. He knew Jason's body so well by now that he could tell that the man was already close to climax, just like he knew how easily he would be able to prevent it or bring it forward at full steam.

Slipping his finger into the saliva that filled his mouth John Paul gently parted Jason's buttocks, pushing between and eliciting another gasp of pleasure as his fingertip pushed firmly against Jason's tight puckered hole.

Bobbing his head up and down as he sucked harder against Jason's cock John Paul pushed one, then two, fingers deep into the man's tight flesh, reaching for the spot that he knew would give the greatest pleasure and, with skilled ease, he located it.

Jason cried out as John Paul's fingers penetrated him deeply, stimulating him with a perfected simplicity that sent his orgasm screaming through his body, ripping from his toes to his head as his cock pulsed and throbbed inside John Paul's mouth.

John Paul drank deeply as the hot salty liquid poured into his throat, not ceasing his attentions until Jason's body slumped against the mattress in complete contented satisfaction.

Smiling as he made his way to the head of the bed John Paul looked deeply into the rich brown eyes of the man who loved him.

Jason was gorgeous. He was perfect, he was sexy, and he was funny and kind. He was everything he should be, everything John Paul should want.

He wasn't Craig.

---

An annoying cough pulled Craig from his fitful sleep and it took a moment of looking around the room for someone to shout at before he realised that he was alone and he was the culprit.

Running his hand over his face Craig grimaced. His mouth tasted as if something had died in it… many months ago, and his head felt stuffed full of soggy cotton wool.

As he dragged himself to a sitting position Craig's foot hit against the empty vodka bottle and he winced at the memory of pouring the fiery liquid down his throat in an attempt to quench a pain that burnt much deeper.

The beep of his mobile caused Craig's head to snap up, an action that he instantly regretted as the room revolved around him and a sharp pain shot through his temples. Reaching clumsily for his phone Craig knocked it to the floor and scrabbled around under the edge of the sofa blindly before he finally grasped it in his hand.

"1 new text" the display read. Craig sighed. If this was a request to work they could all go hang. Accessing his messages Craig saw that the new one belonged to an unknown number which probably meant it was his network provider offering some service he had no use for.

Craig's breath caught in his throat as the words on the illuminated display leapt out at him.

"Happy new year. JP x"

---

Jason's tongue plunged deeply into John Paul's mouth, lapping at the taste of himself, as his fingers curled around the hard length of John Paul's cock. John Paul moaned softly as the fingers stroked up and down, easing the foreskin from the sensitive head of his cock and spreading the silkiness of his precum over its tip.

Jason's grip tightened, as John Paul's breathing grew heavier and his kiss deepened with passion as he urged John Paul towards release.

He loved hearing John Paul come. He loved the glazed look in those bright blue eyes as his climax pulsed from him. And he loved being the cause of John Paul's trembling flesh as the man was reduced to a panting shuddering heap. But what Jason longed for above all that was to hear John Paul call out his name in such a moment of passion. To hear his name spill from those delicious lips with love as his essence spilled from his body.

"Oh god yes…" John Paul buried his face into Jason's neck as the pressure of his orgasm built inside him. He shook as Jason's hand moved faster and harder over his cock until he had no more resistance and he gave in to the purest of physical needs.

John Paul's cock throbbed heavily in Jason's hand as he came, his heat pulsing from him in fast sticky rivulets that covered his belly in glistening strands.

"Wow… that was amazing…" John Paul panted as the trembling of his body began to ease. His pale blue eyes were glazed with spent desire as he relaxed against the man who pulled him into his embrace.

John Paul was gorgeous. He was perfect, he was sexy, and he was funny and kind. He was everything he should be, everything that Jason wanted.

But he still wasn't completely Jason's.

---

Craig's hands shook as he held the phone to his ear, his breaths came in heavy gasps and he had no idea what he wanted to say. He listened to the sound of the phone ringing, imagining it resting on John Paul's bedside cabinet, or lying on the McQueen's coffee table just waiting for John Paul to pick it up.

Craig felt a rush of disappointment as the ringing ended and a recorded voice told him that the caller he was trying to reach was not available before inviting him to leave a message.

"Err… hi… hi it's me… err it's Craig… I… I got your text and I thought… I don't know… thought I'd call… so I did… but you're not there… maybe you're busy or something… I don't know… gone out and forgot your phone… or whatever… OK I'm just rambling on aren't I? Sorry… I've been drinking and… anyway… call me… you know… if you want… or not… whatever… it's up to you." Craig closed his eyes as a multitude of pains assaulted his brain "Please god make me stop talking" he prayed silently. "But I'd like it… you know… if you called… I miss you John Paul… that's all… I just miss you."

---

John Paul rested his head against Jason's chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart. It was a good heart, a strong heart, and loyal heart. It was a heart John Paul could rely on. It was a heart he could trust.

So why was it still not the one he wanted?

As John Paul closed his eyes he could see a smiling face in the darkness of his mind. A rich chocolate gaze looked at him with love and he knew that it wasn't the gaze of the man that was holding him so gently.

John Paul never heard the ringing of his phone, as it lay nestled in his jacket on the hallway floor. He had no idea that Craig was reaching out to him as he lay in Jason's arms. And he didn't know that Craig was thinking of him at the exact moment the thoughts of Craig filled his mind.

---

"John Paul I think you've got a message."

"Hmm?" John Paul pulled his shirt on over his head as Jason padded barefoot towards the kitchen.

"I can hear your phone beeping in your jacket…"

"Oh right…"

Once his shirt was tucked neatly into his trousers John Paul made his way into the hall and bent down to scoop up the jacket that had been casually abandoned there over an hour earlier.

"It's probably mum wanting me to pick up some milk or bread or something…" John Paul grimaced as he fished his phone from the jacket's pocket.

"On New Year's Day?" Jason asked as he filled the kettle.

"Yeah she's good at running out of things at inconvenient times!"

"I'm glad the phone wasn't in the room with us earlier then," Jason teased walking back into the hallway and leaning against the door frame, "Your mum asking you to pick up a loaf would have been a real mood killer!"

"You're not wrong," John Paul replied with a laugh that danced in his sparkling blue eyes and for a moment made Jason forget who he was as he lost himself in the beauty before him.

John Paul's gentle smile still played across his lips as his thumb passed over the keys of his phone to call up the recorded voice waiting to speak to him.

"You have one new message," his phone told him, "To listen to your messages press 1…"

John Paul hit the key as instructed and waited to hear his mother's voice informing him of the urgent need his family had for a loaf of bread or some other such mundane message. What he didn't expect was to hear a voice from his past, slurring with drink but still a voice he knew so well, still a voice he loved.

"_Err… hi… hi it's me… err it's Craig.."_ John Paul smiled, as if he would ever not recognise that voice, yet still Craig felt the need to say his own name. _"I… I got your text and I thought… I don't know… thought I'd call… so I did… but you're not there… maybe you're busy or something… I don't know… gone out and forgot your phone… or whatever… OK I'm just rambling on aren't I?"_ Craig's voice seemed to be shaking as he spoke and John Paul's hand trembled in response as he listened intently_. "Sorry… I've been drinking and… anyway… call me… you know… if you want… or not… whatever… it's up to you."_ John Paul could visualise the dark haired man of his memories, of his dreams, standing in a small Dublin flat, his phone pressed to his ear and his hand rubbing furiously at the back of his neck in that reflexive nervous impulse that always amused John Paul so much. _"But I'd like it… you know… if you called… I miss you John Paul… that's all… I just miss you."_

John Paul's mobile slipped from his fingers and clattered to the floor as the recorded voice instructed him on what to do next.

"To listen to the message again press 1… to save the message press 2… to delete the message press 3…"

"John Paul… John Paul what's wrong?" Jason gripped his boyfriend's arms and stared with worry into the face that had changed from a jokey smile to a wistful sadness before blanching into shock. "What's happened? Tell me…"

"Nothing… it's nothing…" John Paul stammered as he tried to regain control of his senses. He knew that his hands were shaking and could tell by the worry in Jason's eyes that the turmoil raging through his chest was showing on his face. "Really… it's nothing… don't worry."

"John Paul you look like you've just seen a ghost and you're telling me not to worry…" Jason's hand stroked affectionately over John Paul's shoulder and the blonde man had to resist the urge to shrug it off. It wasn't Jason's fault that he was suddenly finding the touch irritating, it wasn't Jason's fault that every fibre of John Paul's being wanted to be elsewhere and it wasn't Jason's fault that he wasn't Craig.

"Honestly, don't worry," John Paul forced a laugh and hoped that it didn't sound as faked as it felt. Picking up the phone that had fallen to the floor John Paul cancelled the recorded voice that was still advising him how to delete his message. "Look I've gotta go."

"For god's sake John Paul… first you get some mysterious message and now you're running out on me… don't I at least deserve to know what's going on?" Jason's concern was rapidly being replaced with anger and a hint of paranoia.

"Just leave it won't you?" John Paul snapped, shrugging of the hands that were holding his biceps. "I've told you it's nothing, don't keep going on about it… it's nothing… now just let it go Craig please…"

Jason's hands fell from John Paul and he stepped back as if he'd been punched and a piercing look of hurt shot through his soft brown eyes.

"I see," he whispered, "I should have known."

John Paul frowned at Jason's strange reaction until his own words replayed in his head. "Jason," he said softly, "I meant to say Jason… I don't know why I said…"

"Just go John Paul," Jason leant back against the wall, his hands raised before him in defence as John Paul tried to reach out to him, "Just go and… and do whatever it is you have to do… just get out…"

"I'm sorry," John Paul said quietly as he slipped his jacket over his arms and opened the front door. "I'll call you later yeah?"

"Will you?" Jason asked.

"Yeah of course I will… I said didn't I?"

"Yeah you said…" Jason replied, holding back the words that he wanted to hit John Paul with. Yeah you said John Paul, just like you said Craig was only a friend… unfortunately the rest of Hollyoaks seemed to think differently and the story of John Paul's relationship with Craig had made it to Jason's ears seemingly only minutes after meeting the beautiful blue-eyed boy. Strangers had long since told Jason the truth that he still waited to hear from John Paul's lips.

Jason stood motionless; staring at the front door long after John Paul had departed. Every time that John Paul left Jason worried that he wouldn't come back, and this time, more than ever, that seemed like a distinct possibility.


	3. Chapter 3

John Paul was still shaking as he left Jason's flat. He felt so guilty walking away from his boyfriend like that but he knew he couldn't stay. He couldn't pretend that every atom of his soul wasn't crying out for him to call Craig, to hear that voice again, to hear Craig say that he missed him.

Rubbing his trembling hands over his face John Paul sighed. He cared about Jason, he really did. The man was gorgeous and gentle and kind so why couldn't John Paul love him? Why couldn't he be the boyfriend that Jason deserved? The answer lay at the other end of a phone line and as he slowly walked through the quiet streets of Hollyoaks John Paul accessed the number he had wanted to dial a million or more times over the last year and hit call.

---

Craig washed down three aspirin with a huge glass of cold water, whimpering as the chilled liquid hit his tender stomach and praying that the healing magic of the tablets would quickly take away the throbbing in his head.

Walking slowly back into the small living area of his flat Craig bent down and retrieved the crumpled photograph from the waste paper basket. Smoothing the creases from the glossy paper he sat down and looked at the image of the man so far away. Two bright blue eyes seemed to be staring intensely at him, glowing from the vision of perfection in his hand and making the longing in his chest echo deep into his soul.

It was over a year since he had last seen John Paul, last spoken to him and the memory of the man walking away from him at the airport had haunted him for months as he tried to understand how everything had gone so wrong so fast.

Craig was so consumed with his thoughts that the sudden musical interruption of his ringing phone made him jump violently. His mobile danced on the table top as its vibrations rocked it merrily, only stopping once Craig had picked it up.

The name on the display made his heart jump and his breath catch.

The name he had recently deleted.

The name he had even more recently re-entered.

The name he never expected to see… John Paul.

---

"Hey."

"Hey yourself."

"I got your message…"

"Right… good…"

"I wanted to… you know… I wanted to call… a lot… over the last year…"

"I wish you had…"

"I wish I had…"

John Paul closed his eyes as he pressed his phone tightly to his ear. The sound of Craig made the man feel so close and the knowledge that he was really so many miles away tore at his chest.

"So how was your Christmas?" Craig's hands were shaking as he sat perched on the edge of his sofa while a smile voice in his head screamed over and over "John Paul's called me back."

"Same… you know… A McQueen's Christmas… always full of chaos!" John Paul laughed softly; if there was one thing the McQueen's did well it was chaos.

Craig smiled at the sound of John Paul's gentle laughter, it was a sound he had dreamed of when he lay alone in the cold of his empty Dublin bed and it was a sound that trickled over his soul like a warm fountain.

"How was yours?" John Paul asked suddenly aware that, for the second year, Craig had been away from his own family at Christmastime.

"Oh well… OK… busy… I was working most of it…"

"You've got a job then?"

"Yeah… just part-time… In the local bar…"

"Well that's good…"

"Yeah… the extra money helps."

"I can imagine…"

John Paul took a deep breath. They had been separated by so many miles for so many months and now that they had finally managed a connection neither John Paul nor Craig seemed to have the ability to cross the chasm between them. There were so many things that they both wanted to say and yet the words failed them, the need to express their feelings overwhelming the ability to vocalise them.

"You seeing anyone?" The words leapt from Craig's lips before he could stop them and he held his breath in anticipation of the reply, as much as he desperately wanted to know, he really didn't want to know.

"Well…err…" For a second John Paul considered lying but in his heart he knew Craig deserved better than that. Jason deserved better than that.

"I see." John Paul's lack of response was all the answer Craig needed. "Well I mean that's good… yeah… it's good you've got someone… I've been seeing someone for a few months now as well…"

"You have?" John Paul knew he had no right to feel jealous but that didn't stop it clawing at his chest and making him want to scream.

"Yeah…Caroline… I met her at work… lovely girl… you'd like her." Craig's eyes were tightly closed as the lies poured from him. Why did he just say that? Why Caroline? He could barely stand the woman but then again she was pretty much the only girl he had had regular contact with since arriving in Dublin.

"Oh I'm glad," John Paul lied, "I mean… I'm glad you're happy…"

"Thanks… and me too… glad that you're happy that is…"

"Right… yeah…. Craig?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you… you know… text and call… I mean I'm glad you did… but why… why now?"

As much as the sound of Craig's rich voice had sent thrills through every inch of John Paul's heart and soul the knowledge that Craig had moved on drove that pleasure from his flesh and left him feeling empty. For a while he had held on to the dream that Craig still loved him, still wanted him, that they didn't have to be apart any more but the truth now hit him fully in the face and he needed to know why Craig would make such a step towards reconciliation only to pull that hope away from him.

"Well… like I said… I miss ya John Paul… we were mate… best mates… maybe one day we could be that again."

"Mates?"

"Mates…"

For a while there was nothing but the sound of breathing. An awkwardness that had never existed between the two men from the day they first met now crackled down the line and the distance between them seemed to grow with every passing second.

"Well I've gotta go," Craig blurted out, "Meeting Caroline in a bit…"

"Right… Ok… well…err… it was good to talk to you…"

"You too… and John Paul?"

"Yeah?"

"Happy New Year…"

"Happy New Year to you Craig…"

---

Ending the call Craig hit himself with the corner of his phone.

"Idiot," he cursed, wincing at the shooting pains in his temples. Of course John Paul had someone, what had Craig really expected, that such a gorgeous man like that would spend his nights alone hoping that someone from his past would call. Just because that's what Craig had spent over a year doing!

"Craig Dean you are such an idiot," Craig told himself as he fell back against the sofa, letting out a bitter snort at the idea of Caroline being his fake girlfriend, god if she knew she'd laugh herself sick.

---

"Idiot," John Paul spat to himself as he banged his mobile against his forehead. Of course Craig had a girlfriend, it was only to be expected he'd been in Dublin over a year, did John Paul really think he'd been living like a monk? Craig had moved on, gone back to the person he was before he met John Paul, gone back to the person he was happiest being.

"John Paul McQueen you are such a fool." John Paul stood in the centre of the deserted streets as he pondered where to go.

One direction led home and the other back to Jason.

With a sigh John Paul started walking.

---

"Sorry."

"Are you?" Jason stepped back, giving John Paul permission to enter the flat.

"Yeah I am… about a lot of things…"

"Are you gonna tell me this time… or just try and distract me with a visit to the bedroom."

"You noticed that?" John Paul sighed. The truth was he wanted to love Jason, far more than he had ever wanted to love Craig. He had known from the start that loving Craig was going to cause him heartache whereas loving Jason could finally give him the happiness he had been craving. But logic never had much control in matter of the heart and a single text from Craig had sent John Paul's pulse racing far more than any night of passion with Jason had ever achieved.

"Things can't go on like this John Paul," Jason said slowly as he walked into the living room with his beautiful blonde boyfriend close behind.

"I know, I'm sorry…"

"Don't be sorry," Jason said as he sat in his old battered armchair, watching as John Paul sank onto the sofa at which point he grasped the man's hands tightly. "I don't want sorry… I don't need sorry… I need the truth John Paul…"

"You do… I'm sorry… I never meant… I never meant to lie… it's just… at first it didn't seem important and the longer I waited the harder it got to say…" John Paul looked down at the hands holding his tenderly and he blinked back the tears.

"I love you John Paul," Jason said with a gentleness that made John Paul want to weep, "Don't say anything… I need to get this out or I might never manage it." John Paul nodded as he lifted his gaze to the richness of Jason's brown eyes, brown eyes that seemed to echo the love he had once seen in eyes of a similar, but much brighter, shade of chocolate.

"I'm in love with you John Paul McQueen, you don't know how much I wish I wasn't cause I know you don't love me back… no don't try and deny it… you think I haven't noticed the hundred and one ways you've mastered to never have to say it back to me… But you know I think I could handle that… you not loving me… I know you care about me, I think I know you well enough to know you wouldn't be with someone you didn't have any feelings for… and maybe love could have grown out of it… but it can't can it? Not when you're already in love with someone else."

"You know?"

Jason let out a small sad laugh as he looked into the eyes of the man he had to let go. "I've always known John Paul… Hollyoaks is a small village… people talk… and you and Craig… what you did… it was big news there for a while."

"You never said…"

"Neither did you… I kept thinking you would… one day… but I waited and never a word… even when I asked you who he was this morning you still couldn't tell me…"

"I'm sorry… I didn't know what to say… how to explain…"

"That was him today wasn't it… the answer phone message?"

"Yeah it was…" John Paul said confirming what Jason already knew.

"So what now?"

"Now?"

"With you and Craig?"

John Paul shrugged dejectedly. "There is no me and Craig… he's got someone else."

"Oh… I'm sorry…"

"You're sorry? Why are you sorry?"

"Crazy isn't it," Jason said with a laugh, "I thought… I thought you'd come here to tell me you were back with him… I was ready for that… I want you to be happy John Paul and something tells me you need Craig for that…"

"It's not that I wasn't happy with you," John Paul insisted. There were times when being with Jason had really made him feel alive, free from the everyday constraints of his life and there were times when he thought he could fall in love again, but as soon as he thought it the memories of Craig would come crashing back and the moment would be lost. "I wish I could love you Jason… I really do…"

"So do I… but we can't choose who we fall in love with can we?"

John Paul laughed sadly. "Craig once said…" he hesitated as he realised how tactless he was being. "Sorry…"

"No go on… tell me…"

"It's just… when it first came out… me and him… Craig said," John Paul took a deep breath as the images of Craig filled his mind. "People were going on about him being gay and he said… he said it's not about being gay… it's about who you fall in love with…"

"He was right."

"I don't think I understood that then… I wish I'd tried harder… God I'm sorry Jason… you don't want to hear this… I should go… I am sorry… really I am…"

John Paul rose slowly to his feet, Jason mirroring his movement, leaving the two men stood face to face in the centre of the room.

"Thank you John Paul."

"What for?"

"Finally being honest with me…"

"Will I see you again?"

"Maybe… around…" Jason paused as he slipped his hands around the back of John Paul's neck. "Probably not."

Jason's lips met John Paul's mouth in a soft kiss, their lips meeting for the last time as they said goodbye. Both men's cheeks glistened with tears as they pulled apart and, when he finally closed the door on the departing John Paul, Jason sank to the floor and wept for the love he never really had.

---

It was 3.18am. John Paul knew this. Just like he knew when it had been 3.12am, 2.58am, 2.37am and all the passing hours and minutes since falling restlessly into his bed. He knew because he had been lying on his side watching as the illuminated numbers on his alarm clock slowly counted away the hours until sunrise.

There were many things John Paul had regretted in his life, not the least of which had been walking away from the airport that September morning, but one thing he couldn't regret was walking away from Jason.

As much as he had cared for the man John Paul knew that he could never really be the boyfriend that Jason needed, that he deserved, and in living the lie John Paul realised he had been doing everything that he had accused Craig of all those months ago. Just like Craig had done John Paul had hidden the truth, from the world and also from himself, he had pretended that the life he had was the one he wanted and, just like Craig had done, John Paul ended up hurting everyone involved.

John Paul sighed and turned onto his back, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness, waiting for the sleep that he knew would never come and waiting for the peace that he knew he wouldn't find.

It had been a deflated John Paul that made his way home early that afternoon, the weight of the past few hours weighing down on him and the anguish reflected so starkly in his bright blue eyes that Myra had instantly sensed the distress in her son.

With a practiced skill that made John Paul feel ashamed the young man had managed to lie and convince his mother that the cause of his upset was purely the result of ending his relationship with Jason. He never mentioned Craig, he couldn't face that look Myra always got in her eyes when Craig's name was uttered, the disappointment he knew she would feel to realise that even after the passage of more than a year the briefest contact with that dark haired boy could send John Paul's heart spinning out of control.

It had been a relief for John Paul to seek the seclusion of his room where he now lay in the silence of the sleeping house. 3.34am. He had never known how silent the McQueen house could be at that hour of the morning and it felt almost alien for the building, usually so filled with life and noise, to be so peaceful. It was almost as if John Paul was alone, as alone as he felt.

Resting his arm across his eyes John Paul listened to the sound of his own breathing. It was a slow and rhythmic echo that seemed to fill the room. On a moments impulse John Paul held his breath and the silence that surrounded him was complete, the world had become as quite as a grave and as cold.

John Paul's breath was released in a slow exhale as he glanced once again at his clock. 3.42am. He felt as if this night was never going to draw to an end.

The sudden vibration of his mobile dancing its alert on his pillow shattered the silence. John Paul sighed; if this was another offer from Vodafone he might just kill someone.

The screen of his phone illuminated John Paul's face and, if there had been anyone present to bear witness, they would have reported a look of unsurpassed surprise and then confusion as he called up his message.

A message from Craig.

The message contained two words, two words that John Paul didn't understand.

"I lied."

---

Craig had been happy to find his local off-licence open on New Years Day and, a few hours after arriving home with his purchase, the young man was slipping once again into a vodka-induced sleep.

The clear liquid had slipped down his throat with ease as he raised glass after glass in a toast to John Paul and he new lover, silently wishing the beautiful man all the happiness he hadn't been able to provide and silently weeping that John Paul had managed to find that happiness with someone else.

Slumped on his sofa with a glass of vodka resting lightly in his hand and a half consumed bottle lying on his lap Craig's eyes rested on the crumpled photograph that had been dropped to the floor some time earlier. From his position the picture looked as if John Paul were laughing. Craig remembered that laugh, he missed that laugh and, as the weight of his eyelids grew too much to resist, warm tears trickled over Craig's cheeks and the sweet release of sleep claimed him.

Craig was getting used to the feel of a vodka hangover. And, although he recognised all of the symptoms, it didn't stop his stomach churning and his head pounding. The room had long since fallen into darkness and as he pulled on a nearby lamp Craig winced at the sudden bright light that seemed to piece his temples.

The glass that had been resting precariously in Craig's hand tumbled to the floor as he moved spilling the remains of its contents over the photograph on the floor. Craig's reactions were instantaneous as he rescued the picture from its vodka bath, drying it on his sleeve and taking a moment to look into the stunning blue of the eyes he hadn't seen in such a long time.

Of all the mistakes Craig Dean had made in his life he felt that letting his fears get the better of him one September morning had been the greatest, and the most costly. Every time he thought about it, which was often, it made him want to scream. He'd done the hard part, he'd told his family, he'd told Sarah, the world knew that he was in love with John Paul, he had assumed the rest would come easily. But that morning, as John Paul looked at him in earnest Craig couldn't bring himself to fulfil one simple request. In the middle of an airport filled with people he didn't know, didn't care about and would never see again Craig Dean couldn't kiss the man he loved.

A thing that he had done countless times in private became an unconquerable beast in the full glare of the world and when Craig saw the look of hurt and disappointment in John Paul's delicate gaze he knew what he had done and what he had lost.

Rubbing the fresh tears from his eyes Craig looked at the creased picture in his hand with a forlorn smile. So much of his relationship with John Paul had been based on lies and in the haze of his half-drunk mind Craig decided that he couldn't bear to add another one to the list. It was finally time for the truth.

Fumbling with his phone Craig keyed in a message, which his still confused brain believed, explained everything.

"I lied."

---

John Paul looked at the words on his phone for some time hoping that a hidden meaning would leap from the screen, but no such revelation came so he decided on the only possible course of action. He replied.

"Lied about what?"

After sending his message to John Paul Craig's eyes had focused on the small time display nestled in the corner of his phone's screen and shook his head, and action he instantly regretted. It was 3.44am, what was he doing texting John Paul at that hour, he just hoped that John Paul's phone was turned of and he hadn't disturbed the man from his slumber.

Within minutes Craig's phone shook with the receipt of his response. Reading John Paul's message Craig realised he had to be a little clearer.

"I'm not with anyone," he sent back, "There's no one. There never was."

John Paul's eyes filled with tears as he read the explanation of Craig's original message and he felt the renewed seeds of hope begin to grow in his chest.

Passing his thumb over his phone once more John Paul began to compose a reply and then just as quickly changed his mind.

"John Paul…" Craig's voice sounded breathless as he answered his phone. He hadn't expected a call and the surprise of it made his heart race.

"Hey."

"It's late… I'm surprised you're up."

"Couldn't sleep…"

Craig struggled to find the words he wanted to say and eventually settled for the first ones to fall from his lips. "I shouldn't have lied… about Caroline… I don't know why I did… I'm an idiot I guess…"

"Yeah you are…"

"I just… I thought… it hurt… to find out you'd moved on."

"I haven't."

"What? You said…"

"Yeah I was seeing someone…"

"Was?"

"We broke up…"

"How come?"

John Paul smiled, he could list a hundred reasons why things ended with Jason but only one of them would be the whole truth. "He wasn't you."

"I… I don't understand." Craig's brain struggled to process the information that assaulted it as his eyes fixed on the photograph in his hand and the richness of John Paul's voice poured into his ear.

"I was wrong Craig… about so many things… I thought that labels mattered; I thought that if you said you weren't gay it meant you didn't love me… I thought if you couldn't kiss me in public that day it meant you never would… I was scared to take the chance and get hurt and I've regretted it every day since."

"Oh John Paul… if I could have that time again I wouldn't just kiss you in that airport… I'd shout at the top of my voice that I loved you… that I love you…"

"There is no going back though Craig…"

"I know…"

"But that doesn't mean we can't go forward… if you want…"

"Are you saying…?"

"I thought that walking away from you that day was the right thing to do… but it wasn't… I didn't know how bad being without you would feel… I had no idea just how empty my life would be without you in it and if you wanna try again…"

"More than anything…"

"Really?"

"John Paul McQueen I love you… with every fibre of my being and if I could have just one more minute with you in my arms then I'd be happy." Craig realised with surprise that the pounding in his temples had ceased and the nausea in his stomach had settled, for the first time since leaving Hollyoaks Craig Dean had hope and had the vision of a future.

"Craig Dean, you are the most frustrating, irritating, beautiful, gentle, wonderful man I have ever known and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life showing you just how much I love you… because I do Craig, I love you."

Tears tumbled down John Paul's cheeks as he spoke. The terrible ache in his chest that had become as familiar to him as breathing was gone and its emptiness was filled with the love he had been trying to deny. How could he have ever said those words to anyone else? They belonged to Craig, just as his heart belonged to Craig.

---

Craig Dean was whistling as he dusted. He wasn't sure which of those activities was the more surprising but he continued to do both with a huge smile on his face.

It had been eight days since the night he had talked to John Paul until the sun rose, the night when every lie and hurt, hope and dream had been exposed, examined and laid to rest. As the hours had ticked by the two young men, separated by so many miles, felt closer than they ever had before. The time for hiding from their feelings was over and, with the dawning of the new day, John Paul and Craig both knew that what they had was worth fighting for.

A knocking on his door interrupted Craig's happy tune and he sighed with mild frustration as he threw his bright yellow duster to one side.

"Surprise!"

"You can't be here…"

"Not the welcome I was hoping for," John Paul laughed as he placed his case at his feet.

"No I mean," Craig's eyes were wide as he devoured the sight of the blonde man standing in his doorway, "You're here… you're really here… how are you here?"

"I've spent enough time away from you already… so I came to Dublin… if you still want me…"

"But… but… what about HCC… your family… everything…" Craig's brain seemed to be spinning inside his skull and his heart was beating to hard and so fast that he thought it might do some serious damage to his rib cage.

"It doesn't matter Craig… I'll sort all that out… get a transfer, take a year out, whatever, I don't care… I need to be here, I need to be with you…"

"Oh my god you're really here…"

"Craig?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and kiss me."

John Paul's lips were soft as they touched Craig's in a kiss they had both waited what felt like an eternity for. The gentleness of the exchange soon passed as they moved into each other's arms, bodies pressing close together and lips parting to allow the meeting of hungry tongues.

"Craig…" John Paul panted; pulling his lips a mere fraction of an inch from the delicious taste of Craig's mouth.

"Yeah?"

"Which way's the bedroom?"


	4. Chapter 4

With a ferocity that surprised both men Craig pulled John Paul quickly into the flat, giving the man scarce time to catch hold of his case and deposit it inside the doorway before the door slammed closed behind them.

"I still can't believe you're here," Craig panted as he pinned John Paul to the door with the weight of his own body.

"I couldn't stay away any longer," John Paul panted, "I know we said we'd make plans and sort it all out first but… but I couldn't wait… I need you so much… god Craig I've missed you…"

"If you ever leave me again…" Craig's comment came out in a low growl that made John Paul shudder with ill suppressed desire.

"Never," John Paul promised as his arms wrapped tightly around Craig's slender waist, "Never ever again."

Craig's mouth collided with John Paul's like the hunger of a starving man. Which is exactly how Craig felt, he had been starved of John Paul's taste, of John Paul's touch and of John Paul's love for far too long and now that he had the man in his grasp he intended on making up for that absence.

"Bedroom?" John Paul mumbled into Craig's frantic kiss.

"Too far," Craig replied as he pulled at John Paul's top, his hands seeking out the warm softness of the naked flesh beneath, allowing John Paul to move away from the door long enough to ease the man's jacket to the floor and tear his top off over his head.

John Paul gasped as the cold wood once again hit against his back but not as loudly as he did when the heat of Craig's mouth bit into his neck, making his body shudder with excitement.

Craig's teeth sank deeply into the sweetness of John Paul's flesh, claiming him, marking him and devouring him. Sucking the delicious taste into his mouth as John Paul's hands clawed at Craig's shirt, tearing away the buttons in his desperation to reach the bare flesh beneath.

John Paul stroked his palms over the smoothness of Craig's chest, feeling his nipples harden under John Paul's touch as his hands moved lower, down over Craig's flat firm stomach and around the waist, that seemed even thinner that John Paul remembers, to grip tightly onto his denim covered buttocks, squeezing them hard as John Paul pulled Craig's body tightly against his, their hardening groins clashing together and making them both moan in excited anticipation.

Craig took a step back from John Paul, dropping his ripped shirt to the floor as he let his eyes roam over the semi-naked man leaning against his door, panting and flushed. An angry red mark glowed on John Paul's neck where Craig had bitten him but otherwise his skin was pale and flawless, as perfect as any oil painting and more beautiful than all of them.

John Paul swallowed hard as he watched Craig's shirt drop to the floor. Craig's skin still held that rich tanned hue but his frame seemed thinner and John Paul had a sudden worry that Craig hadn't been eating properly, a matter he intended to address, but not right now, right now all thoughts were driven from John Paul's mind as he watched Craig slowly, almost teasingly, unfasten his belt and pull it from his trousers.

Craig dropped his belt to the floor as he kicked off his shoes. Craig's eyes never left John Paul as he slipped open the button at the top of his jeans and lowered his zip. He could see John Paul's gaze fixed firmly on his crotch and the look of hunger in John Paul's eyes made Craig's chest heave with excitement.

Craig's movement seemed painfully slow as he pushed his jeans and boxers down over his hips. The head of his engorged cock peering out over the top of his clothing seemingly unable to wait for its chance to reach John Paul.

John Paul licked his lips as his mouth filled with saliva. Watching as Craig pulled his jeans from his firm toned legs made John Paul growl with hunger, a low sound that rumbled in his throat as a purely animal desire took hold of him. He was torn between a longing to grab for Craig, to take him and hold him and bury himself deep inside that beautiful body and also a wanting to observe that perfect form, naked and aroused before him and more exquisite that he could ever remember.

"Oh god Craig…" John Paul's voice was low and heavy with lust as the naked body moved back against him.

"Do you have any idea how much I want you right now?" Craig breathed into John Paul's mouth, his tongue darting between John Paul's parted lips, tasting his tongue and brushing over his teeth as he gripped onto John Paul's hands and pinned them above his head. "All I've been able to think about since the first day I got to Dublin is you… touching you… being with you…" Craig paused as he looked deep into John Paul's eyes, seeing his own love and hunger burning brightly inside them. "Fucking you…" The last words came from Craig's mouth in a gasp as his cock pressed against John Paul's covered groin.

"I want you too…" John Paul whimpered as Craig's hands moved to his trousers, tearing at the fastening that kept Craig from his prize and pulling them down forcefully over John Paul's hips.

John Paul's hands remained above his head where Craig had left them as Craig quickly revealed John Paul's naked body, lowering himself to his knees as he pulled the remainder of John Paul's clothes from his feet.

John Paul cried out as the heat of Craig's mouth suddenly enveloped his cock, sucking it deeply into his mouth in such a ravenous manner that John Paul almost climaxed instantly. His body shook as Craig's tongue curled around his length, the wet warmth of Craig's mouth pulling his cock deeper into his throat as Craig moaned against it sending electrifying vibrations shuddering through John Paul's flesh.

Craig's hands caressed the cool weight of John Paul's balls before slipping backwards between his buttocks, fingering gently against the tight puckered hole nestled between.

John Paul gasped as the tip of Craig's finger breached the tight ring of muscle, bucking his hips back and forward in a frantic attempt to force his cock deeper into Craig's throat and Craig's finger deeper into his anus.

"Oh god Craig…" John Paul's arms fell down and his hands sank into the softness of Craig's hair, clawing at the man's scalp as he shook with desire. Another, louder, gasp escaped from John Paul's mouth as a second finger pushed into his tightness making him moan and making him want more, much more.

"God Craig fuck me… I can't take it any more… I need it… I need you…."

Craig let the firmness of John Paul's cock fall from his mouth as he rose to his feet, his eyes glistening with lust as he pressed his lips hard against John Paul's. John Paul drove his tongue into Craig's mouth, tasting the flavour of himself inside that delicious cavity as he reached for Craig's hard cock, gripping it firmly and stroking it hard and fast until Craig was panting with excitement.

"Turn around," Craig breathed heavily.

John Paul rested his hands against the cool wood of the door and took a deep breath as he felt the head of Craig's cock push against him, slowly entering his body in hit of pained pleasure. John Paul gasped as his body stretched to accommodate Craig's girth, his fingers scratching against the woodwork as the breathtaking rush of pleasure surpassed the first wash of pain.

"I'd forgotten how good you feel," Craig whispered as his cock sank deep into the hot silky passage of John Paul's body. John Paul turned his head as Craig leant forward to claim possession of his mouth once more, their tongues swirling together as Craig began to rock himself slowly in and out of the grasp of John Paul's flesh.

Both men groaned with increased desire as Craig's speed quickly increased. They had been waiting for this moment for so long and the need for release ached deeply inside both of them.

Craig gripped against John Paul's cock, still glistening and slick with his saliva, and stroked it in time with his hard firm thrusts into John Paul's body.

"God Craig…" John Paul rested his head against the door as he shook with desire. Craig's hand gripped him hard, driving him closer to satisfaction as the fullness of Craig's cock ploughed deeply into him, pushing again and again at the most perfect of spots until John Paul could contain himself no longer.

John Paul panted Craig's name over and over again as his cock began to pulse heavily in his lovers hand.

"Come for me John Paul," Craig urged, "I want to make you come…"

John Paul needed no further encouragement and he cried out as his climax exploded from him, his cock pulsing out its lust hot and heavy over Craig's grip.

Craig slipped an arm around John Paul's middle, thrusting his cock deeper and faster into the convulsing hold of John Paul's flesh until he reached perfection. Calling out John Paul's name Craig drove his climaxing cock deep into the man he adored, filling him with the heat of his love and desire until he had no more to give.

The men stood motionless for some time resting their satisfied bodies against the support of the door until Craig finally and reluctantly pulled back, withdrawing from the warmth of John Paul's flesh.

John Paul turned, his face bright and flushed and his eyes sparkling as his fingers interlaced with Craig's.

"Oh I almost forgot to say," Craig said with a cheeky laugh, "Welcome to Dublin!"

"Craig Dean," John Paul said with a giggle as he brushed a soft kiss against Craig's mouth. "I do love you."

---

Five, four, three, two, one… Happy New Year.

John Paul watched as the Dog burst into a volume of colours as balloons and streamers fell from the ceiling. The room seemed to explode in a chorus of cheers and "Auld Lang Syne" as the first seconds of the New Year were ushered in. John Paul watched with amusement as strangers and friends kissed before linking arms and swaying drunkenly to the tuneless rendition of an old familiar song.

"Happy New Year John Paul."

Smiling as he turned to face the well-wisher behind him John Paul felt his breath catch when his gaze landed on two familiar beautiful soft brown eyes.

"Jason," he said breathlessly reaching out his hands to grip the mans arms, "I didn't know you were here, you look great… really…"

"So do you," Jason replied with a genuine smile, "It seems Dublin agrees with you."

"It does… it really does… Jason… you know I am sorry… about everything."

"Don't be," Jason replied kissing John Paul warmly on the cheek, "It was for the best. Especially seeing you now… I know I could never make you smile like that."

Before he could answer John Paul felt a warm arm slip around his waist and a chin rest on his shoulder.

"Miss me?" Craig breathed into John Paul's ear.

"Why did you go somewhere?" John Paul teased in reply.

"Oi watch it," Craig laughed before noticing the dark haired man standing uncomfortably before them. "Sorry was I interrupting?"

"Oh yeah, err, Craig… this is Jason," John Paul stammered feeling slightly awkward introducing the two men.

Craig stepped forward and held out his hand. "Jason, I've heard a lot about you."

"You have?" Jason shook the hand being offered to him as he looked closely at Craig's features, understanding instantly how John Paul had been unable to forget his love for this man.

Craig laughed and slapped the man on the arm playfully. "Don't worry… it was only good things!"

Jason found the smile of this dark haired beauty infectious and felt glad, as the two men moved back against each other, that John Paul had managed to recapture the love he thought he'd lost.

"I should get going," Jason said, "It was good to see you again John Paul… nice to meet you Craig."

"You too," Craig smiled.

"See you around Jason," John Paul said, doubting that he ever would.

With a final smile Jason turned to leave, pausing for a second he looked back. "Take care of him," he said directing his comments to Craig, "He's one in a million."

"I know," Craig replied, pulling John Paul close to him, "Happy New Year Jason."

John Paul looked at his boyfriend with awe. What a difference a couple of years could make. He could feel his heart swell with love and pride as Craig's hands brushed gently over his face. There was a time when Craig Dean would have been unable to as much as hold John Paul's hand in a public place but now, now he gently held onto John Paul's beautiful face as he smiled deeply into the vastness of those stunning blue eyes.

"I forgot to say," Craig breathed slowly, his hands trembling as they touched the face of the man he loved, "Happy New Year John Paul McQueen."

Leaning forward Craig shared the first kiss of a New Year with his lover, his best friend, his soul mate, his reason for breathing. Twelve months ago he had felt certain that he had lost John Paul's love forever and now he intended never to let it go again. Twelve months ago the thought of kissing John Paul in public filled him with fear but now, his lips pressing firmly against John Paul's soft mouth, knowing that the bar was filled with his friends, his family and a multitude of people he both knew and didn't know all that Craig felt was love. If anyone in that gathering didn't like Craig's choice of partner then so be it. Craig Dean was proud of his life and of his love and he wanted to show the world, and to show John Paul, how happy it made him every single day.

"Happy New Year Craig Dean," John Paul said as their lips finally parted and they stood in the centre of the room, surrounded by the milling crowd and seeing only each other.

"Thank you," Craig said as he curled his fingers around John Paul's.

"What for?"

"Persuading me to come home this Christmas."

"Well I figured Frankie had seen enough Christmases without her baby boy," John Paul replied with a teasing grin, "And it was good to see my mad lot again too."

"You know how much I love you don't you?" Craig asked with a serious look in his eyes. At the start of 2009 Craig had been alone and lost and he had never dared hope that sending a text that day would change the course of everything.

"I know," John Paul replied, "Cause it's about as much as I love you." At the start of 2009 John Paul had been in a relationship with someone he didn't love, haunted by the memories of someone he did and lost in a world that seemed unable to offer him an answer. In the early hours of that New Year's morning his answer had come in the form of a text that changed the course of everything, forever.

Slowly the partygoers trickled outside to gasp in delight at the display streaking across the night sky. Exclamations of delight filled the air as rockets raced into the darkness, illuminating it with explosions of bright colours.

John Paul and Craig remained stood where they where, lost in the sight of each other and lost in their love.

They didn't need to go outside to watch the fireworks.

They saw them everyday of their lives when they looked into each other's eyes.


End file.
